Trying to let go of the disappointments in life....

It has been clear from the beginning how weak we human beings are, even written about in the Bible with Adam and Eve, giving into temptation when spurred on by the evil in this world.

I know most of the time people know not what they say, but those words are so incredibly hurtful and I still think it is worthwhile to share my feelings in hopes that perhaps others will learn and not speak them in the future and maybe just maybe, I can prevent pain for just one other human being.

I am misunderstood by many, mostly because people only have part of the story, not because I failed to share it, but because they failed to read it. I have held back nothing on this journey, which started with Evan's diagnosis, followed by the fight, the loss, and the grief process.  If you have jumped around, it would be very easy to misconstrue my words, thoughts, feelings. But if you have followed along, you will know that from this tragedy, we have been triumphant, only by the Grace of God I might add.

Every presentation I do, and almost every conversation I have with another hurting individual at some point, goes like this.....Each of us will experience tragedy in our lifetimes, some more than others.  You may have escaped it thus far, but eventually it will get you.   The question is this, when tragedy strikes, what will you do with it. Will you allow it to destroy you, or will you turn that tragedy into triumph??

All of us are hurting, have hurt, and will be hurt.  For many of us, we suffer in silence as there is no venue to share our pain.  Hopefully, everyone has someone to lean on, cry with, scream at, to help them cope.  I, on the other hand, have had thousands of people to share this journey with thanks to the worldwide web. I have often spoken about how Caringbridge saved my life, and I believe this with every bone in my body.  I could cry out in the middle of the night while sitting in Evan's hospital room, and someone within minutes would send love my way, from somewhere in the world.  But, if you didn't follow along, there is no way to comprehend the journey.  I had friends who said to me they could not follow along, it was too painful for them, and  I would think to myself, hmmmm, too painful for you, too bad I have to live it.  This disappointment stays with me to this day, though I am trying to let it go, really trying.

Some people will never forget the journey, even though they have no idea where we have gone with it since we lost Evan.  And boy have they missed out.  And ultimately it is difficult to catch anyone up at this point.  That is probably the biggest reason for me blogging. I have grown accustomed to sharing my inner thoughts out loud. It is healing for me, cathartic as some like to say. I need this outlet for my mental stability, which is really the only part of my life that remains unstable three and one half years into the journey.  This part of me I am not sure will every heal. The anxiety that plagues me is held at bay at times by the small amount of Lexapro that I wish I didn't depend on. Alcohol and food are not helpful at quelling the anxiety, which is a good thing I suppose. But writing, exercising, my mommy life, reaching out to others in need, and the work I do with Evan on behalf of every patient that will be in need, are really the only drugs that work. I am trying to allow husband time and friend/socializing time to find a place back in my life, but these areas remain difficult for this grieving mother.

On Evan's Heaven day, I made the decision instead of wallowing in my own self pity to reach out to others in need, just like I do most days through the work of the foundation. And darned if that wasn't the ticket to taking what could have been a horrendous day to being a beautiful day.  God's Graces continue to find their way into my life.  Alaina and Evan's Birthday was spent working on Alaina's 13th birthday gift, which was ripping apart her room to get ready for the little makeover she asked for.  Evan I knew was having a hay day up in Heaven, no worries there.

And today, being part of the first annual Be The One Run here in So Cal, was amazing to say the least.  If it wasn't for Alaina's running team coming out to support us, and two high school BAHBAD Club members, only one family joined us, long time water polo friends.  No BAHBAD volunteers, no other friends, no CB fans, and most disappointingly, I have not heard from one immediate member of my side of the family in regards to Evan's tournament, his Heaven Day, his birthday, or his run day, except for one. GROSS to say the least.  I know we are all busy, I know exactly what that looks like, so perhaps i will send a save the date for next year to our So Cal entourage, to please come to either Evan's Annual Dinner/Silent Auction on Saturday, October 22, 2011 (in the evening, and outside by the way)  and/or the Annual Be The One Run, which I will assume will be Saturday, November 5. There it is, SAVE THOSE DATES.  If you are part of our new life, if you have any commitment to our family or the cause, I am asking that you commit to joining us one year from now please.

Big sigh!!  I had to get it out. I know who has thought about us, you showed me with your FB, CB and Blog posts, texts, emails, letters, phone calls, hugs, donations, and efforts....am I forgetting anything.  If I didn't thank you yet, know who appreciative I am.

Today I met families who lost their loves ones this last year.  I know their pain.  I know that all they needed from me at the moment was a big hug and for me to ask them to tell me their story.  I did tell them that   time is their friend if they allow it to be.  That in time you will learn to tolerate the pain and the yearning.  I also suggested to all of them how healing the cause has been and if they could just once a year, to honor their loved one, host a donor event on their Birth or Heaven Day, and never ever let anyone forget. To be part of giving life because you learned from this journey, and to not let your loved one's suffering be in vain.  And I saw a glimpse of brightness in their eyes, such a beautiful sight indeed.

Every day I am that I am praying the Novena, I am seeing the Graces of God come to fruition, and still evil wreaks havoc with my soul, not allowing be to find forgiveness for those that continue to hurt me and my family.  I will be triumphant.  I will not cower down and allow evil to win this battle. Evan's Mom will succeed and hopefully she will have an army of warriors in tow.

Let's see what tomorrow will bring.  Mary had her first snow in Indiana.  Took her a half hour to shovel the snow off her car.  Hmmmmm, I think my Cali girl will be happy to only spend one winter in the midwest.
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