Happy 20th Birthday Katie....Perspective from Katie's Mom, Guest Blogger

I am doing this "blog" because my friend, Gina, suggested it. Gina and I are souls joined by grief. The greatest grief there is.

Evan and Katie are our angel children, I say "angel" children because unlike most moms who refer to their precious children as their little "angels", ours are. Yes, that's right, our children are living in Heaven. On a good day, Heaven is a good place. But most of our days are spent in a state of numbness, a fog, a surreal existence, a reality that we cannot accept.

Today, Sunday Novemeber 21st is my angle Katie's 20th birthday. I am in a state of utter sadness, loss, pain and disbelief. Why her, why me, why us, why this??? The questions never stop, the answers never come. The suffering and loss continues.

As I write this, I feel dead. In spite of so much to be thankful for, I am in a deep cavern, just struggling to breath. I look around me and feel so alone. I look at Katie's picture on the mantle illuminated by candles and feel empty and broken. Such a beautiful child, such a loving spirit, so young to be taken away. I want her back, I want to hug her, kiss her, smell her, hold her hand as we pray together, bicker over rules and curfews, shop together, laugh together, cry together, plan her birthdays, talk about the boys, share heartaches, share her joy at being engaged, picking out the perfect wedding dress, the wedding, the babies... I want it all back. BUT, she is in Heaven, perfect, no worries, joyous, healthy and free. So, because I love her so much, I am happy for her. For me, not so much.

I spend my days trying to honor my daughter. I talk about her every opportunity I get, that keeps her vivid and alive. Others, choose to be silent. I guess that is their way of coping, but not mine and I find it hurtful at times. Katie lived, and she lived more in her 15 yrs. than most do in a lifetime. She set an example of what strength, perseverance, hope, wisdom, tenacity, courage, faith and love should be. I could never endure what she did for 16 months, she truly was a warrior who fought until the bitter end...the bitter end... when she knew we were prepared to let her go.

As a mom, and I know there are many of you who will understand this, we love our child so much that for them to be free of the pain and suffering we turn them over to God's loving, eternal care. I did so on Sunday August 6, 2006.

Katie's journey led me to Gina. At a fundraiser for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, Katie's Pennies Make Sense, a mom asked if I knew Gina as we had both lost children. Eventually, we connected and now we are partners, moms with a mission, moms with passion and sometimes moms with "attitude". BAHBAD is our baby, a baby that needs attention and encouragement for growth.

I know first hand the importance of all the entities that we advocate for, without them, our children's lives would have been even more difficult. Through BAHBAD, we educate about blood donation, marrow donation, organ donation, cord blood donation and just about being a giving, caring and loving human being to others in need.

So on this day, my angel Katie's 20th birthday, I have shared my heart and hope that it will light a fire within you to be grateful for what you have and be generous with your ability to give to others in need.

Katie, my precious baby girl, Happy Birthday, I miss you and love you beyond the Heavens...until we meet again...If I had wings, I would fly up to Heaven.

Mommy