Fear, we all live with it but few of us speak of it

Let's finish yesterday with Alaina and my Chargers.  When I finally showed up to the course, Alaina hugged me and told me she didn't feel good.  I told her to focus on the one thing she would try to improve upon today, her one goal.  Lots of hugging and loving before the race, which I loved. And off she went.  She held toward the front of the pack, still behind two teammates who she runs side by side at workout daily.  As she was running, I was again remembering how blessed I am to have such amazing kids.  That these two want-to-be athletes, had indeed produced athletes simply by instilling them a work attitude that we follow as well, and at the ability to commit to whatever it is they desire in life, and of course we had to make sure we got them there. This young lady has amazing running talent, which neither one of her parents have nor desire to have.  At the end she gave the sprint of her life, and beat another runner, indicating to herself and all of us that she held back.  Well, next week we celebrate Evan in the Be The One Run which will be a training run for her, and then she has sectionals.  Place accordingly or go home.  We will see.

Chargers pulled it together and took down good looking Vince Young and the Titans, thankfully. No heads on chopping block today, although the special team's coach should start packing.

And now on to the Fear.  Night before last I had a horrible nightmare that really shook me.  By the way, do you every have a wonderful nightmare?  For those of you that have followed Evan's Journey on Caringbrige, and if not, I do suggest you go back to day one just like reading a novel.  My entire life I have been afraid of dying, the unknown even though as a Catholic I had the belief in Heaven.  I would get sick in the pit of my stomach when I thought about the end of my life, and my big thing and still is, I hate seeing balloons fly away.  I always thought about something I cherished tied to those balloons, and how that thing was going to be gone forever as those balloons drifted off into the sky.  YUCK, I hate balloons!!

Anyways, when I lost my sister to breast cancer, my feelings about my death didn't change.  That was back in 1993, hard to believe.  When we lost Evan, talk about a total change of heart and perspective.  I could not wait to die. To be in Heaven with him, although I knew I would  have to spend some time in Purgatory unlike my perfect boy to repent for my 44 years of sins.  Every mother that has lost a child has the same feelings on death, we have one foot here on earth, and one foot in Heaven with our kids.  Which side we are on doesn't matter to us.  Although, almost three years after kissing, smelling, smothering my beautiful boy for the last time, I know my place is here, loving and guiding my husband and children for the long haul.  That took a long time for me to finally realize and to really believe.

So, back to the nightmare.  I have told people, many people, that God forbid I ever need a bone marrow transplant, because there is NO WAY in HELL I would every have it.  That being said, I have seen so much HOPE from transplant, but I have also been privy to the horrors of transplant, and in the month of October alone, losing two young men to complications and another women continuing to fight the complications that threaten her life.  I digress.  Remember that my sister died of breast cancer and that since the age of 21, I have been plagued by breast cancer scares in my own lumpy bumpy cystic breasts, and every time I am forced to come back for another test, and then wait for those results, I swear I am done, that I am going to have that bothersome breast tissue removed so I can take away one fear and the risk of this cancer from stealing me from my family.  So, yes, the dream was of me finally hearing that I had breast cancer.  And of the impending chemo and treatment that I would have to put up with to fight for my life and more importantly, my family's life.  And I didn't want to do it.

This fear sits right on the surface of my core, as I watch too many friends and friends of friends fighting from this horrific cancer beast, and knowing and hearing their words about the struggles they endure.  While everyone says to me, " I don't know how your do it", in regards to Evan, my answer to them is always, I am so glad you can't imagine. And by the way, I don't know how these people do it, fighting for their lives, poisoning their bodies and putting up with the effects of that poison,  and by the way, I don't want to do it!!  Fear, I abhor you.
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My grieving mom friends and I wish we deserved a hall pass from future tragedies in life. Like, hey, haven't we endured enough agony. But, we know better than most this is not the way it works and have seen too many who continue to get hit by the evil in this world over and over again.

This week I will be making an appointment with my breast specialist, to once again talk about ridding my body and mind of this one fear.  Hmmmm, wonder what the outcome will be.