I have been silent for a few weeks, probably a good thing, as I have been busy and contemplating life, and ultimately so pleased at the progress at this point in the grieving process. So much so that I have reached out to the support group we were part of for families for two years and let the know if and when the time comes, I am ready to be an adult group facilitator. I also emailed a contact I have within the Catholic church, as I am ready to do some volunteer work with patients and families in the palliative care/hospice part of their journey. And I am going to try to reach out to someone at our children's hospital to see if I can be part of starting a palliative care program there, or helping grow what barely exists at this time. I am ready to use my journey to help others who are suffering. From this, while I will be there to help others, it will allow me to continue to heal and do what I believe we all need to do, reach out to others in need.
As I mentioned in my last Caringbridge post, the 54 day Novena I am reaching the end of has been a huge blessing to me and those who are also participating along side of me. While the initial reason for doing it was to petition for success and direction of the foundation, we all have added in our own petitions as well. For me, this forced prayer time has been amazing. I have never in my entire life, taken the time to sit in my faith daily, which is what this Novena has allowed. I say “forced”, because it is a commitment, and for those of you that know me, I am all over making and sticking with commitments. As a fitness professional by trade, I have always preached what I practice. My clients would have expected nothing less from me, and how could I expect others to follow my lead if I wasn’t truly leading them by example. Now, along with the commitment to the Blessed Mother, the women who bore our Savior, I also made the decision to fast from alcohol. Why, because I LOVE my occasional drinks. Be it the ice cold beer during my Charger’s game, or a glass of wine with friends, I have been drooling more than a handful of times over the last 5 weeks desiring that drink. And that is a good thing. During Lent, not only us Catholics, but other Christian religions follow traditions of abstinence during this time to remind us of Christ’s suffering. I will tell you that for that past three Lenten seasons, I have given up nothing, as I felt my suffering was still too great and I was not willing to do more. I am finally ready to feel additional pain, and for this I am grateful. I am healing.
In my group, Changing Seasons, last week, our leader asked us to pick from a long list what we felt were gifts and then we got into an interesting discussing. What are gifts, are they the same as blessings? Which are God-given, are we born with them, do we develop them, etc. One thing that I really have come to realize when dealing with people of different faith beliefs is that most believe their religion is the “right” religion. How is that possible for a faith driven individual to judge another’s faith. I refuse to do that. I also think it is interesting how some Christians feel they can take words/ statements/verses/stories from the Bible and skew them to fit their situation. We have all done it on our own or with the help of our church leader. You know when you hear or read something and say, “Oh that was meant for me, God is speaking to me, etc.”. If you find this useful to you, fabulous, but, if someone chooses to take something from the Bible and skew it towards someone else’s situation, now we are trying to play God, and this can be extremely hurtful and unproductive. Been on the receiving end of this one too many times. I guess that is why I am a pretty private faith driven person, similar to most Catholics. For those of you part of the journey from the beginning, you have watched our journey unfold from diagnosis, to the fight, to the loss, to the grief journey, which we will remain on forever, as well as the faith journey that has naturally occurred when one has suffered horrendously. Whether someone runs from God or to God, there is running involved one way or the other.
My Mary sent me the perfect quote the other day….People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today, may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
So stinkin’ appropriate for every single one of us who chooses to cares for another. And this is a choice I believe.
I myself have fallen prey to most every one of these faults above, but I am happy to say that I have made the conscious decision to fault less, and again this is a choice. During this 3 ½ year journey Evan has taken us on, I have been judged more than most. Mostly because I have shared every moment of the journey and I will tell you I would do it exactly the same way if I had to go back. People have been unreasonable and self-centered. I have been accused of having ulterior motives. I have been accused of being dishonest. I have seen jealousy rear its ugly head toward me and our family and the work we do. People want to take the tremendous good we do and accuse us of doing this for our own good. Instead of what it is, which while I didn’t know it when it was happening, is good done for the Glory of God. Thought you Christians would like me using that wording. I don’t really like that wording, I prefer to consider the work we do a blessing from God because he knew I needed something really big and challenging to occupy me on this grief journey. Nonetheless, while it is HARD to let the cast stones slide off my body, this is between God and me and I will continue to give the world my best, because Evan and God has given me the perspective I needed along this path.
I am glad it took me three paragraphs to finally get to what I was saying about our “gifts”, so here goes. I have always considered my bratiness as a child, my stubbornness and “I’m right most of the time” type A self a not so good thing. I have discovered with my Changing Seasons group that it is a gift. Without this gift from God I now know that I could NEVER EVER survive this journey called LIFE, and I am so thankful for the “gift”.
Until next time, Gina
