Happy Birthday to my husband Mark. He has most every quality that makes a man a great father and husband, and only a few bad habits to keep this wife agitated just enough. I am so blessed to have him refuse to let me go, through this roller coaster of life we have been on for 30 years now together. We are looking forward to the continued joy our children, all four of them, have brought to our lives and will continue to do so. Next year is the big 50!!
My mom has always said, "You learn something every day.", and now I find myself saying the same thing. As I am waiting for my friends to come so we can do a little cardio/strength training circuit, two days of P90x has me seriously sore, I feel the need to come write.
Most importantly to say thank you to those who are reading and telling me that my words are making a difference, that you are hugging your kids more than ever, that you are keeping life's roller coaster in perspective, and that the glass looks half full when it used to look half empty.
Today I made the decision that I was ready to forgive in a way I never thought I could. I have shunned Mark's immediately family due to tremendously hurtful words during this journey. Before the journey there would have been no forgiving, but now, by the Grace of God, I am able to do the right thing, not only for my soul, but to bring happiness to others, and those others are Mark's parents.
This will be our fourth Christmas without Evan. While Christmas was always about the kids, and I would go hog wild and I will tell you my kids will always have amazing memories of this childhood holiday, Jesus was no where to be found. At the donor event I was at yesterday, the radio played holiday music at the end of the day and I was ready to "kill" someone, as I have serious bah humbug feelings for this holiday since losing Evan, but hey, aren't you supposed to wait til after Thanksgiving anyways?! The first two years we took cover under the loving arms of my cousins in NY, and last year we took my mom with us on a cruise, Evan would have loved both locations.
This year, because Mary is coming home and wants to stay home, I don't blame her one bit, we will be home for Jesus's birthday. This year, Jesus will be in the forefront of our holiday celebration. And I am going to announce here for the first of Mark's birthday gifts, that I would like to have his family over for Christmas Eve, just has we have for most of our marriage, but this year will be different. After dinner, our family will be attending Midnight Mass, and on Christmas day, we will be saying the final day of our 54 day Novena together, before we open gifts to celebrate our Lord and our love for Him and each other. Happy birthday Mark.
Birthday gift two, is that we will be celebrating Christmas day at home, with any FRAMILY who wants to join us. So, this open invite is to any one reading who would like to celebrate for the right reason, enjoy one other with yummy food cooked by Derek, Mary and myself, but you must be ready to take us on with a little Bananagrams, May I, Sequence, etc, and just enjoy the gift of salvation that was given to us this day.
When I reread my words, I am amazed at the transformation that has occurred, shocked really. My entire life I have feared what has become my reality, but again, by the Grace of God, I am alive, learning to love life again, and will, I will announce right here and now, stumble over and over again with my humanly faults. Don't judge me by the mistakes I make, but praise me for the amazing good works we are part of. I don't know when the next tragedy will strike, I am certain it will, but I have bound and determined to stand strong and never, ever allow the devil to win. Hmmmm, I guess I was given my seriously competitive spirit for a reason.
Off to workout and work on Mark's third gift.
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Gina - I am so proud that you have taken the first step in reconnecting with family - It will not be a easy one but one I am sure will have lots of love!
ReplyDeleteWell this one gave me goose bumps. So glad that you will be spending time with more family. Prayerfully they will be smart enough to take you up on your offer!
ReplyDeleteDear Gina, tears shed for you and your ability to forgive. You are healing more and more as time passes while being able to hold on to Evan. How very loving, but not surprising. It's that huge soul of yours at work! Love to you and Happy Birthday Mark!..Bunny
ReplyDeletelove your heart, love your willingness to be molded...to mold others (but not to get moldy!) and most importantly to love...even through all the risks that go with that. I have a feeling this may be one of your most memorable Christmas' yet.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Mark. Still working on seeing the glass half full and making amends as you are doing. Truely an inspiration you are to me and to many others.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you ..Christmas can wait until after Thanksgiving. We have a radio station here in MN that starts with the Christmas music all day every day from Nov 1 until Christmas UGGH.. Remembering the reason for the season as they say and remembering Evan too!
Wow, that was really moving. You are a bigger person than I am as I still am not at that place with my sister. Reasons I shared with you on one of our long walks and talks. So proud of you. Congratulations, I know it will be a wonderful holiday season for you and your family. Evan is smiling....Kim
ReplyDeleteGina, my friend, you never cease to amaze me. Forgiveness, I thought I had mastered that and was there, said the words, but then another blow came. How could I forgive the unforgivable?? Such a struggle, we truly want to be the person God desires and deserves for us to be, but our humanity, as you put it, carries us to a place of unwillingness to let go and let God. We are not the final judge in this life of trials, injustice and suffering, God sits in the throne and He will be the one to sound the gavel?? (that big wooden thing that looks like a hammer) and hand out the final verdict. Hard to accept and sometimes as you know, we take baby steps and fall, but we have to pick our broken and bruised bodies up and take more baby steps forward. I applaud you for this giant step in forgiveness and such an awesome gift to Mark. I hope that I can live by your example and in so doing release myself from the chains that bind me to a life lived in bondage to unforgivingness. I am so grateful for the example of your family, the strength, commitment, tireless efforts, love and passion that you each exemplify in your own ways as you move forward "together" in honor of Evan. Even though sometimes your words Gina are so difficult to read, so heart wrenching, so close to home, when I do allow myself to "go" there, the fruit is abundant. Thank you my friend, and may this holiday season be a new beginning for your entire family as you come together united, the way it was meant to be. Evan is so proud of you all and is rejoicing. Love, Carolyn
ReplyDeleteGina,
ReplyDeleteI am faithfully following along on your blog and of course on CB. I LOVE your ability to forgive and to be open to bringing family that has hurt you back into your life. I sometimes feel like I carry anger around with me and the person(s) to whom it is directed don't even know and ultimately it is only hurting me. So, still working on just letting it go.
I LOVE how you keep Evan alive and talking about him and acknowleding that he continues to bring pleasure to both you and Mark. He is the impetus for much of what you do now so it is good that he continues to bring you both joy.
A very happy bday to Mark.
Hugs,
Hardip
Dear Gina~I haven't cought up on your posts, but read your words in a whole new way now. My husband passed away suddenly a week ago today and layed him to rest yesterday. I will get back on the ball and set up drives and will have that bake sale for you, just figuring out how to navigate this new reality.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to Mark. Everything is about family and love. The rest is second.
(((((())))))
Suzanne