I have followed the journeys of dozens and dozens of families who have lost a child, and dozens more of families that have lost a mother or father, husband or wife, sister or brother, along with every day tragedies where death occurs with no notice. And I will tell you I am blessed to see the beauty in death. In the last few weeks, I have had three friends lose their spouses. A caringbridge friend shared that 24 children with the same disease her son fights every day, metachromatic leukodystrophy (MLD), died last year alone. So much tragedy Evan and God have brought into our TV screen of life, and I am forever thankful. WEIRD, I know.
Our CB friend Linn, (linnboden), who lives here in San Clemente, died yesterday two years post BMT, from chronic lung problems, most likely GVHD. Her adoring husband of 42 years posted the most lovely words about his wife's end of life and thoughts on it, that included tears and laughter. Steve and Linn taught me so much about faith in our God. And if you get a chance to read any of his journals, I will tell you that I thought for a long time this was a couple that recently married from the way Steve wrote about his bride. Linn is perfect, whole and healed now. Steve wrote this the day before her passing: Our 42 wedding anniversary is 2/2/11. I am so thankful for everyday of our time on this earth together. I did tell Linn, "save me a place next to you in Heaven". Just wait till Linn flashes that million dollar smile at the saints.
A new CB friend emailed me yesterday and we have gone back and forth a few times since. She found us somehow on the CB newsletter she gets. When she saw Evan's face she had to know what happened to him and here is first email to me....
Hi Gina,
So I am on day three of reading through your journey that began that fateful day in April, 2007. I have wanted to stop reading and e-mail you soooo many times but I just couldn't tear my eyes away! I have laughed, I have cried, I have sobbed and I have been so very angry (at death) in these last few days; however, I can't even begin to imagine what you went and must still be going through. I CANNOT IMAGINE! I would never tell you I "get it" and honestly, I don't ever want to.
I don't know if the e-mails have subsided in the last two years, I hope not, but I was thinking that if they had, you could use a new CB friend:-) Alittle about me: I am a single mother of a two year little girl named Isabella Ricky; Ricky after my dad that passed at 44 of esophagael cancer (11 years tomorrow. Wow, still seems like yesterday!) who she unfortunately never got to meet. I live here in Minnie (about 45 miles south of Minneapolis) and have most of my life. I did move to Massachusetts and then to Jersey a few years back (I know, crazy right...to go from Minnesota nice and cold, to colder, and then to "Jersey Not Nice".) I had a very hard time after my dad passed because he was the only constant parent in my life; my mother and I have gone through extremely bad times in our 35 years together but my little Bella Boo and a lot of forgiveness brought us together and we have remained close for three years now. She loves loves loves being a grandma and that makes my heart happy.
Enough about me! How are you doing? I don't want to read ahead (I'm on journal entry page 201) so forgive me if I ask stupid questions! I would love to get more involved with anything I can but I have no clue where to look or who to get a hold of around here to donate bone marrow, kidney, etc. You probably put info up on CB but I wouldn't know what page to go back to; ugh...should've written down this stuff as I went along but like I said I was so enthralled I couldn't stop reading and sensible thoughts just weren't crossing my mind. Dishes, housework, homework, Bella, and sleep have been neglected these past few days as I have been trapped in your world, in your painful journey; wanting to break free but knowing wild horses could not of stopped me from reading through page after page. I did have to stop and give my mind and heart a break when I read about your last moments with Evan because I needed to hold my child and tell her how much I loved her and try to make her understand that I was crying because I was so grateful for her but sad for someone else as well; plus I couldn't see through the tears to read anyway.
I laid in bed last night thinking of all the things I was going to say to you in this letter but do you think I remember any of them?!? I can say this: I understand loss, I may not understand your loss, but I understand loss. That being said, I was so very very angry at God after my dad died and I unfortunately lost my way BIG TIME; ended up addicted to drugs, or what I refer to as "the depths of hell," and pretty much homeless in Jersey. Bought a bus ticket home to MN, had nothing left but my clothes and entered rehab. Been sober for four and a half years tomorrow! Anyways, back to the God thing...the best advice I have ever received in my life was from a lady that I lived with in the halfway house..."Stop telling God how big your storm is and start telling your storm how big your God is." I try my hardest to practice this in the trial and tribulations of my life. However, I will say this, I hate it when people say "it could be worse, you could have this and this and this happen to you" but that doesn't matter when I'm having THIS (whatever it may be) happening to me. It is my pain and the thought that other people are worse off does NOT make me feel better!
You are right Gina, the pain only dulls; it sadly never goes away. Maybe you didn't get the miracle you asked for, maybe it was because Evan was that miracle all along. You were lucky that God chose you to be his mother and WOW he was lucky too! I do have to say that in my heart of hearts, I know that I could not go on if I lost Bella. Is that weak? Probably. But I had three miscarriages before her and decided to get my tubes tied because after having her I knew I couldn't bear the pain of losing another one. Like you said, you have no desire to go on without your child in your life. I couldn't do it knowing there are three more up there waiting for me, their mother. I, like you, have always been the strong one. Losing her would be my demise. I don't know how you have done it; I don't know how you have done it with such grace. You are a remarkable person, a remarkable mother and if someone asked me to define hero, I would tell them your name, Gina Cousineau, Evan's mom.
Well better get back to your journal! I'm having withdrawls. Take care Gina. I hope to hear from you someday:-)
Maigen from Minnesota
P.S. Evan was perfectly beautiful.
And her email today....
Just wanted to drop you a line and tell you how healing it has been for me to read your journal today on the 11th anniversary of my dad's death. I dread this day every year. I get so depressed and moody about three days before and every year I still think "what is wrong with me????" And then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I remember that stupid anniversary date is coming up. This year was different because these past three days I was feeling your pain and in your world, so I never got a chance to feel my own. For the first time in 11 years, I wanted to get out of bed on this day because I needed to get back to your journal to see how YOU were coping and I am (for lack of a better word) grateful to you for that. I hope that makes sense to you. Know that I would obviously much rather suffer through this horrible day if it meant this tragic loss of Evan didn't exist. But it does and I just wanted you to know that because of Evan, on this day, this girl, for the first time is remembering how blessed she is that she got her dad for 25 years, instead of thinking how unfair it was to lose him.
Have a great weekend Gina!
M.
P.S. my favorite quote...."I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me mommy."
I love that strangers are still moved by our journey and are able to gather "perspective" on their own lives. Meigan's words are remarkable and I will be forever grateful for her taking the time to share them with me, us. Wow, Meigan, you didn't just make my day, you made my life!!
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